Happy New Year

Happy New Year honey, my clock says it's 2007 where you are. I don't want to stay up till midnight here and start a new year without you in my arms. It's just not the same. I still remember 1991 when I went to a party by myself and cried at midnight because I had no one to kiss. I just want this nightmare to be over. I'm glad we were friends first, because when you take away the physical and emotional companionship of a relationship there's not much of love left to hang on to. It's all faith from here on out. Nuthin but faith and memories.

Well, that's over

Got the holidays out of the way at least. Next is New Years and then, I guess, I can look forward to him coming home. We managed Christmas ok, he had trouble calling home because he didn't call the number I gave him, but it got solved and the kids at least did fine. Before that the kids and I survived a horrible wind storm, spening the night under the bed and w/o power for 5 days. The fire dept helped me get the generator started after 2 days but we were still friggin cold. And then this last weekend the neightbor showed up to clear the branches off the roof for me and we found this:



Thank god for great neighbors!! and fire chiefs :-)
I'd have never found the hole if they hadn't shown up, I just wasn't finding time to climb up there and throw branches off.

People Forget

People ask how he's doing, how he's holding up, but they forget to ask us how we're doing. It's hard for us at home too. He has this whole new reality, and while I don't understand how he can stop being a Spouse and Daddy to be a Soldier, thats what he has to do. Sure, we get to continue in our regular reality but it's cracked, unwhole, wrong. Life just goes on w/o us, we're just coasting, waiting to be able to participate again. I'm not a whinny, dependant wife who can't go on w/o her husband, more that he's been such a part of my life, and who I am, for such a long time that it's just not right w/o him. I don't know how he's holding up because he wants me to think it's all fine, ask me how I am, offer me a hug.

Fighting

Fighting sucks enough when you're not doing it over 6,700 miles, through email, with an 11 hour time difference.

Christmas in a Box

We sent our Christmas Care Package out to him today: Little mini tree, several gifts, warm blanket, and a food basket with many of the Puerto Rican things that we usually have for Christmas Eve dinner. Hopefully he'll be surprised and think it's sweet. 'Cause I feel silly doing Christmas stuff in November.

Know what I want?

More than anything I want him to be upset about this and to swear he'll do anything he can to be sure this never happens to our family again. But, after 21 years I know he won't do it. He may go ahead and get out of the military when he can, but it wont be for me, or for the boys, it will be for him, when he decides it's right. And he's not going to be upset, or sorry, or show his feelings at all. He's not ever going to apologize or feel like he has to make it up to me. He may love us, but he feels no need to justify his actions to us.

I can't do this...

I'm struggling with the depression already, and the weather is just now changing. The rain, the grayness, the dark and the short days. It's not even here yet and I'm already having trouble. I worry about me, that I won't make it through the winter.

It Hurts

It's hard to be angry at someone you love (and I do love him). Everything else is gone, if I want to fuel myself on anger why shouldn't I be allowed to? It keeps me going at least. I'm alone, overwhelmed, scared and hurt and I'm not going to get over it easily. And all I want is for my Life Partner to come hold me and make it all better. And he can't (or won't).

An update of sorts.

Whee! More pictures! I don't know whether to be happy or cry. It's nice to be able to see him, and one of the pics gives me a much better clue as to *where* he is but I just hate to see him all military looking with an M16 in his hands. He is kinda cute in this picture though.
I got to talk to him again the other day, and that was nice but he says he'll be without email or phone for 2-3 weeks while they do something else. Of course he can't tell me where or what they'll be doing. And of course I give him a hard time about it even though I know there's good reasons for it. Let me tell you though, not being able to contact your other half is very disturbing and unsettling. And I may have another surgery coming up and while I'm not afraid of being put under I feel weird about doing it while my Spouse is unreachable.

Communication?

Even though we have email and most days he can read and answer I still get nearly no communication from him. I can send a dozen emails about life and love and how things are here and I'll get back one, one-line answer that reads something like 'ok on boys. hot here. work 12-12'. No I Love You, no I Miss You, no So How Are Things?. It's like he's just forgotten all about us here and our lives and needs. I know he can't say much about what he does, but he can say bits and pieces and he can send pictures. One-line emails and 5 minutes on the phone every two weeks aren't going to cut it. If the man thinks he's still going to have a wife when he gets home in 200-some-odd days he'd better start giving a crap about life here.

"There Safe"

That's all he can tell me is that he's there safe. Not where or for how long. But I guess at least we got to talk to him so we know huh?

They fly tomorrow

God, i cried myself to sleep last night because they fly tomorrow and it may be up to 3 weeks before we can talk to him again. It's just such a final, scary thing to realise now he's really headed over there and I may not see him again. He sent me some pics of him with his M-16, It's really weird to see him like that. Strange, but in a way kinda sexy.
Please, I need him to come home. I never thought I'd need him so badly but darnit, He's supposed to be part of my life. I don't feel right with him missing and I cry to even think about starting all over again. I don't want to be a war widow at 39. Hell, I dont even want to be a Blue Star Family, but here I am, an unwilling participant in the damn thing. Happy freaking Birthday to me!

I'm tired

I just can't shake the feeling that he won't be coming home from this deployment. I'm tired of the waves of anxiety that wash over me. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of solo-parenting. I'm tired of having the kids with me 24 hours a day. I'm tired of people telling me I have to be Proud of my Spouse. I can't be, I just can't. Havent I had enough challenges in my life? When does it stop? I'm tired damnit.

'Family Day'

So, there's a "Family Day" at the base before the guys leave the US for Iraq...and Spouse asked if we'd think of coming. And i don't really want to, and neither does my oldest. We already said goodbye, I don't see the need to spend $2,000 to do it again.

I don't know, i can understand that he's finally realizing what is really going to happen and wants to see us. But my brain says that's his problem, not mine, and if he wants to see us he can just get on a plane and come home!
Drag the kids clear to Mississippi to do it all over again, nope. I already had to cope with sobbing children when i wanted to cry myself. We're finally sorta getting settled into life w/o him. Gee, I'm sorry if he misses us and now realizes that the fact that he may not come home is very real. He should have thought of that when he re-enlisted in August, during a war, against my wishes.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow they take my hubby away from us :-(. He'll be in the states still for a while, but it's not the same.

Puerto Rico pictures

Just a few pictures, because they didnt show up in my last post for some reason.

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to hope he gets tossed out on Medical when they test him in Gulfport? I want it so badly. He'd be upset, but the 'retirement' means nothing to me.
Oh, BTW, we're home from vacation. Puerto Rico is very hot and sticky but very beautiful.
I hope we get to go again sometime, because it would mean he came home from Iraq ok. It was sad to see people whom we may never see again. No one said it, but i know they all were thinking it. I just can't picture myself taking the kids back w/o him, I just couldn't continue teaching them about that part of who they are.

I'm SO not here.

I'm not here. I'm not reachable. I'm enjoying my consolation prize.

support

Want to support our troops?

Pray for Peace

important.. yeah, right

You know, half of it is just the embarrassment of the whole world finding out that the kids and I don’t mean a damn thing to him.

That 20 years worth of marriage, the fact that I stayed when it sucked because that was in the best interest of my children doesn’t mean shit. I wasn't happy either but I stayed because that was best for the kids. I've suddenly been dumped from 20 years and thinking that was really good into finding out that it apparently wasn’t as good as I thought, that he's happy to risk losing us. I feel horribly un-important right now.

And the time is....

Baghdad

I swear it's my fault...

I just so feel like I've brought this on myself. I was wishing he'd just take the kids and leave so I could do my life over in peace. And now look what I got... He'll be gone but I still can't start over. I still have the kids, I still have this life, and now I'm really stuck here. I never intended to be a single parent, that's why I chose this way. I need to stop wishing for things I shouldn't and just accept this life but I'm so frustrated. I don't want to do it alone, just re-do parts of it.

Orders in hand...

We have orders in hand. We're now a Blue Star Family. Ok, not in my hand, I refuse to pick up my copy from the pile of stuff and contradicting info I've been given. I refuse to look at paperwork that says July-08. Right now I'm trying to deal with understanding TRICARE so that we can continue to see our Drs but all their info really pushes 'Prime' and people on the phone seem amazed that I would want to *pay* to see a Dr when I could just truck 40miles up the highway to the MTF for free. Um-huh, yeah right! As much as I refuse to participate in this I have to, stuff must be done and paperwork turned in. I have to take the kids out of school early to go get ID cards, even though they still don't know if Josh will get one (you have to be 10, but you can't get medical treatment w/o one). Oh yeah. I love the military ::eye roll:

Well fuck!

They just fucking called to activate him... I told them I would not take the message, to call him on his cell. He thanked me and hung up. So now I still know nothing. And to top it all off both the kids and I are sick, very sick. In and out of the bathroom for days sick. Lying in bed puking sick. I'm so tired of the smell of puke I could scream!

Easier last time

I think perhaps it was easier last time when we only had two days notice. This is too much emotion and sadness before.

Am I strong? ... No

People keep saying I can do this, I'm a strong woman. I've been through cancer and all that and done just fine, this should be a piece of cake. I wasn't strong then, and I'm not strong now. I cry in the dark and don't bother people with my troubles. That doesn't make me strong. Coping doesn't make me strong, neither does making it through tough times. I faked my way through breast cancer, and I suppose I'll fake my way through this. I'm not a strong woman though, I just fake it well.

Oh the life of an involuntary Reservists' Wife

Just found out last weekend that my loving Spouse will be abandoning his family and life as we know it to do a Navy Reserve tour in IRAQ!
I am NOT thrilled. I may have to quit *my* jobs in order to take care of our children. I SO wanted him to get out last August when he had the chance... but NO, he had to go for the 20 year retirement pay...and look what it's going to get us. Seven to 24 months of heartache and hardship. If it even pays enough to support us I'll still have no childcare so that I can work, no help, no support. We lost our appartment, our savings, a car and almost lost his job when he went to Desert Storm. I have NO faith that it will be differant this time, no faith that it will only be 7 months. The Navy wont even talk to me about this until less than 30 days before he leaves in July.