I can't do this...

I'm struggling with the depression already, and the weather is just now changing. The rain, the grayness, the dark and the short days. It's not even here yet and I'm already having trouble. I worry about me, that I won't make it through the winter.

It Hurts

It's hard to be angry at someone you love (and I do love him). Everything else is gone, if I want to fuel myself on anger why shouldn't I be allowed to? It keeps me going at least. I'm alone, overwhelmed, scared and hurt and I'm not going to get over it easily. And all I want is for my Life Partner to come hold me and make it all better. And he can't (or won't).

An update of sorts.

Whee! More pictures! I don't know whether to be happy or cry. It's nice to be able to see him, and one of the pics gives me a much better clue as to *where* he is but I just hate to see him all military looking with an M16 in his hands. He is kinda cute in this picture though.
I got to talk to him again the other day, and that was nice but he says he'll be without email or phone for 2-3 weeks while they do something else. Of course he can't tell me where or what they'll be doing. And of course I give him a hard time about it even though I know there's good reasons for it. Let me tell you though, not being able to contact your other half is very disturbing and unsettling. And I may have another surgery coming up and while I'm not afraid of being put under I feel weird about doing it while my Spouse is unreachable.

Communication?

Even though we have email and most days he can read and answer I still get nearly no communication from him. I can send a dozen emails about life and love and how things are here and I'll get back one, one-line answer that reads something like 'ok on boys. hot here. work 12-12'. No I Love You, no I Miss You, no So How Are Things?. It's like he's just forgotten all about us here and our lives and needs. I know he can't say much about what he does, but he can say bits and pieces and he can send pictures. One-line emails and 5 minutes on the phone every two weeks aren't going to cut it. If the man thinks he's still going to have a wife when he gets home in 200-some-odd days he'd better start giving a crap about life here.