Shhh, it's a bass!

It's sorta a Christmas gift to myself. Sorta. Sorta a Survivor gift too since my 5 year survivorship is coming up too. Hubby hasn't seen it yet, doesn't know i bought it. Doesn't even know it's in the house. I can't play much on it, haven't even hooked it to the amp yet, but Damn it feels nice! Both in my hands and on my hip. It's one sweet bass!

That sucked

Class last night, and while I could play most of the piece I haven't been quite able to get the bass line parts right. Picking with four fingers is just a bit too much for me yet. So, I can do it, but not as fast as he wanted and not with the other four people all at once. Then he split us up and gave us different parts to play... and he gave me bass, and explained what notes i could play in the bass line in each chord. And I got it tabbed out ok so I understood it but when we went to play it all together I fell apart. I was trying to play 1/2 notes while one group did 1/4 notes and the rhythm group did two 1/4's and a half and i just couldn't keep track of what we were doing. I needed to change my notes when they changed chords and I couldn't tell when the chords changed. It was awful. I SO want to play bass, and here I got a chance to make up a bass line and I couldn't play it with the group. Some times I feel almost desperate to learn this and it's so frustrating. I bet I could go into the studio at work, and cut all the parts separately and mutitrack them together but I can't play with a group.

It's music!

It's not much, but for me it's just enough that it's MUSIC. That *I*, who I thought for years was a lost cause, can play something people can recognise! I can play Frosty the Snowman (LOL)! I had spare time at work and just mic'd the little practice amp. It's MUSIC!

notes vs TAB

I find it amusing that notes is supposed to be easier. To me TAB is a mathematical graph point. Two dimensions. If i tried to play from music I'd have to turn that into a note letter, and then into graph points to see where my fingers went. I just transcribed my guitar homework to TAB because I cant read music. I get so overwhelmed when I look at music and try to make sense of it. The idea that I'll ever be able to do that in my head is as overwhelming as changing chords was a few months ago. Something I can hope to conquer, but for now overwhelming. My 13yo rolls his eyes at me, he doesn't think of it as different steps, he just looks at the note on the page and makes it happen.

Ouch

I gave myself a real, live blister practicing scales and then had to take it easy so I could make it through class yesterday. The good news is I could play the simple piece we were working on from TAB. We all tried to play it together and it was harder than playing it alone. It was very frustrating over the weekend to be able to play it just enough that it sounded familiar but I couldn't tell what it was. I transcribed it to note letters Sunday evening and mom was able to recognize it. It was driving me nuts! I don't know about the rest of the class, but I can definitely play it better than the lady next to me who kept getting her strumming fingers lost. I was really glad I practiced it so much.

OMG...scales

I thought scales at home were hard... an hour of warm up and scales at class kicked my butt! I understand why we need to do scales, my fingers need to learn where to go without question. But dang, my fingers stung so bad and my thumb was shaking from being in the correct position instead of where I usually put it. Hard, but learning the right way is good. I know it is.

Class

The first class went well. I wasn't the only grown-up and I wasn't the only electric, but I was the only grown-up with an electric. We're going to learn finger-style, which is fine with me, because that's what seems most natural to me so far. This weeks' homework was to learn the note names on standard tuning (Eadgbe) and to practice some scales, remembering to pick the three bass strings with our thumb and the next three with two fingers. I'm doing better at it, I still get a little lost on the inside strings, and I still try to use my thumb on all of them, but I can see my brain starting to get it! I had all of yesterday to myself so I spent allot of time in the music room, listening to some music, playing some, goofing off a bit with the amp off, and recording a little bit. It was a really nice day and no one told me to turn anything down all day long.

1st class

My first guitar class is tonight. I'm nervous as all heck.

Know what I like?

I like the way my fingers unfold moving from E to G :-)

Happy Birthday 2 me!

Well, I wanted to be able to say I played guitar by my birthday but I think I'm not quite there yet. Look hot holding it... can do, play... not so much. I took some pics and made a small video of myself for my birthday... you can see the pic. I can muddle my way through a few simpler songs but I can't exactly 'play' yet. I did sign up for a beginning guitar class through the parks dept though and if it gets canceled I'll look into private lessons. Doug isn't really up for that so I'll pay someone.

I wrote something

It's just a chorus, I don't have verses yet, and it's just simple strumming with easy chords. Wanna see it?

Capo on the third fret:

E E E E G G
You make me wanna be me
G G A A
Wanna see me
E E E E G
Make me do my thing,
G G A
Make me sing
E E E G G
You make me like me,
G G A A
Make me feel free

E E E A
You make me real

I'm still working on the chords for the last line.

:-)

I got a smile out of my Spouse as he came through the room while I was practicing today. :-)))

Just havin fun

I'm just having fun fiddling with the guitar, not so much trying anything new as goofing off with what i already know and seeing how to get different sounds. This weeks fun, cheap purchases to fiddle with ... a Dunlop thumb pick. It's fun for strumming, although a little heavy for me right now, I can use it to finger-pick but I'm awkward with it. I may go back and get a lighter one in a different style. And....a $3 chorus pedal off of eBay :-) Sometimes I almost feel bad when I get something good for really cheap. Even though the shipping was $10 I still think it's a good deal, I'll pick it up at the Post Office in the morning, I'm looking forward to being able to play the chords to Purple Rain and have them sound a bit more like Prince's guitar when I get home with it. Or I could just take the 9v amp and the guitar and goof off in the parking lot :-)

that sounded cool

Capo on the 3rd fret... chords, strummed with your thumb, slowly E E E G G A. Cool eh?
Then I picked up the pick and made it louder and faster (strumming down and up) and angrier and then slowed it back to nothing.

Jason came by and tweaked with the tone controls on my amp and I told him to go away because it was my creation and he couldn't tweak it :-)

that's my creativity for the day.

Faster, and more confidant

My chord changes are getting faster, and less plinky and I can feel that I'm more confidant with where my fingers are going. I can actually look at where i want my fingers to go and then just move them and they actually go.

I love this, seeing it all come together. I love the feeling down inside of me when it goes right, and the feeling in my fingertips when I'm done practicing. Josh took this picture for me. It's not what I was trying for when I asked a 7yo to do a photo shoot in the back yard for me, but it's good in a deep 'thinking' kind of way. I suppose it's more ME than what I was trying to do anyway.

Tuned

Ahhh, $20 electronic tuner, much easier than bribing the 13yo to tune my guitar. And now my chords sound ok, and I was right about which string was wrong.:-)

Changing Chords

Today I was changing back and forth to and from the chords I know. E-A-A7-D-G-G7-C-A and back to E. And it was going better. I tried C a couple times but oddly I can get G7 just fine but not C yet. I have to pause, and then get my fingers arched better because the first strum still plinks. And then I tried strumming down and up, and it went ok. I still get tangled at times but it was a bit smother. And it's so hot today that I had to stop, the amp and the lights make more heat and the guitar was sticking to my sweaty arms. Here's a decent pic of my 'gear' (LOL). The guitar is a dark blue that you can see the woodgrain through.

Continuing on with life...

I’ve decided not to just let this blog go now that my Spouse has returned to normal life so for right now you’re going to have to listen to me babble about learning the Guitar that I bought back in March.

It’s going slowly, to say the least. Slowly is the operative word, I don’t have music in me, I'm forcing it in, and it will be slow. My friend and I took my guitar in to Music 6000 just to get it looked at and get a minor problem fixed and the guitar tech hooked it up to a giant amp and just wailed away on it while chatting with us about the guitar. And it's something I'm envious of . It's probably just as hard for someone like that who has music in them to understand what I'm dealing with as it is for me to understand how someone like him can just pick something up and play it like that. I’ll never be able to do that. I’m lucky to barely understand 'key of'. :-)) And yes, it's frustrating as all hell. For some reason I want this badly, to be able to play music. I want it way down deep inside of me and one thing having cancer taught me was to just DO things. Why my soul wants this is beyond me, it's not for me to understand, I'm just along for the ride anyway.

I’m doing ok, with ‘slowly’, although I’d love to be able to actually play something recognizable. Ok, I take that back, I can play Happy Birthday, all on one string from the Tab. (LOL). And I can play a few chords: in the key of D I can play D, G, and A7. I don’t totally understand ‘key’ but I can see that those chords sound better together. I can also play A, and C reliably, although my C chords are still ‘plinky’ sounding on the first try. I can do E, E7 and G7 if I can peek at the chart first. Surprisingly B7 sounds ok once I get all my fingers there, but I see no hope at all for F :-). And then I go look at Tabs and boy does Prince use some weird-ass chords! I do ok with simple strumming, I could probably play any ‘cowboy’ song (LOL) but for now I’m busy butchering a very simple version of “King of the Road” and parts of Stings’ “Every Breath You Take”. At least the kids recognized Happy Birthday.

The Retreat was great!

We were escorted from the airport to the lodge by these guys, The Patriot Guard. Along the way at little towns and crossings we'd come across police, fire and ambulances parked and saluting us. The whole thing was very helpful, lots of classes on communication and some counseling and massages and energy work (which was really cool). Fun stuff in the afternoons and evenings. The whole week was great and being forced to talk to each other (no TV's in the rooms) was very helpful. Lots of crying in front of people we didnt know to well, but felt very close to by the end of the week.

The last day was the Native American warrior ceremony and sweat lodge which was very healing. We got smudged and walked around that circle in the grass and then came into it one couple at a time. The men dipped their hands in the first bowl of red clay to symbolize the blood of war and then we separated and walked the circle separately until we got to the bowls in the center. Red Eagle washed the mens hands and then helped the wives wash the rest of it off and said a blessing and then we walked out together and stopped at the fallen warriors display and most of the men prayed or cried. When we came out they dried our hands and hugged us. Then we went and changed for the sweat lodge. Dang, that was hot! I made it partway into the second round and then apparently passed out. I have a vague recollection of being dragged out and laid in the grass and several of the combat medic guys were fussing over me. I could hear people but i couldn't see or move, it was really weird, and I wonder now what would have happened if I'd stayed in. I outlasted one of the Marines though :-) The whole thing was wonderful and the ceremonies very spiritual and it was nice to have an end to the anger and sadness. I'm very happy to have my best friend back in my life, hopefully for good this time.

He's home!

He surprised me!! He was sitting at my desk when i came to work this morning! Something felt odd when i walked up the stairs, the voices seemed odd and then it got quiet. Everyone was hiding and watching. So after much hugging we went and got the kids out of their classes at school. They let us go right to their rooms and surprise them. The kids knew it was going to be soon, but we didn't know when for sure. He got in late last night but stayed in Seattle and came down on the airporter this morning. He'd been sitting at work chatting for nearly 2 hours before i came in. He's lucky I came in early :-)

checked out!

He called this morning and when i tried to call him back half an hour later the number didn't work. So I called the desk and all they could tell me was that he'd checked out of the barracks. He could be sitting in a line trying to finish paperwork or in a car on his way to the house. We have no idea!

On the Ground!

He's on the ground in Gulfport!!
It's so cool to be able to just phone him and say i love him :-)

Germany!

Spouse just called from Germany!

Flying again

Today's email from DH: "Friday will be the longest day ever for me and i will be very tired as well things will be high up in the air that day till bed again...!!!!"

So if you want to keep him in your thoughts it appears they will fly out of there this evening (our time) and get to where they're going in the states Friday evening. He'll call me when he gets there.

Homecoming's supposed to be happy...

So why are we fighting?
DH and i are having a bigass fight via email. yeah my life is fun.

My Midlife Crisis

For some reason I've wanted desperately to learn to play guitar for quite some time. So here is my midlife crisis, I suppose as midlife crisis's go it's pretty tame. I'm hoping to be able to learn enough to satisfy that need, because if I can't it's going to end up just looking cool :-)

TWO WEEKS!!

Wow, two weeks and he should be on his way home to the states. Please let it be for good. I was thinking the other day, this is the longest we've physically been apart in 21 years. Twenty-One years is a LONG time. I know this 10 months is only a tiny part of it but it's been SO hard.
About a week after he gets home we're going to a military couples retreat in Texas. It's supposed to have counselors and stuff for us to talk to to try and fix this distance between us. I hope it helps, because I'm tired of being angry and hurt and I'm almost ready to be done with it. We're going to be here:
You know the Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready To Make Nice"? that's me

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

Gulfport

Am I a bad wife if I dont want to try and go to Gulfport to see him a for a few hours before he comes the rest of the way home? Will he feel unloved? Will I feel bad? Will the kids? They're sending me the info about how to meet up with them there on thier way home but I just think it's silly to spend that much money to go down there. We've already waited 239 days, what's a few more?

Not SuperWoman

I'm not superwoman....I'm just human and I just cant be two people. Everyone seems to think I should just step up and do it all and not break down. I just can't.

NEXT MONTH!

Ok, it's just cool to get to say! NEXT MONTH!
My Spouse could very-well be home NEXT MONTH!
4-5 weeks! Of course they could always change that, but for now they're due home NEXT MONTH!
See a trend here?
NEXT MONTH! Wow, I have a lot of housework to do then.

Nervous

Now I'm nervous about him coming home.
Reading all this stuff about transitioning back to normal life and how it will be hard for him to adjust. And we're supposed to be going on a Military Couples retreat just a week or more after he gets home. Seven days in the hills of North Texas with no TV, no internet, no phone. Just us and each other. I know it's some couples idea of a great time but it just sounds boring to me. We're supposed to get to talk through things and get to know each other again but I just don't see him participating in that. I need him so badly to say he's sorry he's done something that hurt me and I know he won't. Even if it's just to make feel better, he's not going to do it.
Plus, it doesn't seem fair to the kids to run off with Daddy for a whole week right after he gets home.

A Date

Get your own countdown at BlingyBlob.com

Soon??

He keeps saying "soon" and I just can't believe it. I'm so scared to mark any kind of date on the calender because if it doesn't happen I'm going to be heartbroken (and so are two little boys). He wants me to apply for a couples retreat in April and even though it sounds like a cool thing and I've filled out all the paperwork I haven't faxed it yet because I just can't get my hopes up. I'm just so scared of the letdown if he doesn't get to come home then. Life is difficult enough to manage right now.
Got a few new pictures of him, this is him with some sort of shell casing (I know, duh!). It just makes my heart ache more.

Better days

I don't know, it just feels better today, the year on the calender matches the year I expect him home and the days are finally getting longer again and I can actually see it happening. This weekend I celebrate 4 years of being cancer-free and alive, and things are going ok at work. My job amazes me with their ability to mold what I do and when to adapt to my life. They moved me into days working the front desk and two weeks ago offered me the Office Manager position. I still voice-track the late nights, and I'm still live on Sundays but dragging the children in with me in the evenings wasn't working and they saw that and came up with a way to help. This is me at the front desk.